Throughout my life I've been putting on masks just to fit into society and to protect myself. For each group of people a different mask, hiding my true self and keeping him safe.
But that is a burden. Over the time the number of different masks becomes so large, that I forget who I truly am. What are my core values? Where is that snapshot of my true self that I can always return to and feel myself.
Honestly, answering this question is hard. But I'll try anyway. Maybe I'll return to this post and edit it over time, in case I forget to mention something.
Let's start with something simple. What's good and what's bad? I try to live a life where my actions cause no harm, or as little harm as possible. I try to observe situations, rather than participate in them directly, because to me that's a neutral action. It would be the same if I didn't exist. And when I do decide to act, I think of all the ways that action could affect someone and society overall.
Let me give you a few examples. Suppose I have a bad thought in my head. That happens sometimes, and can be hard to control. Maybe I think something inappropriate about someone. Or maybe I think of committing a crime. If I don't act upon that thought, and don't let it affect my actions in the future, it's completely ok with me. Since it doesn't affect other people, and it doesn't change anything for the society, it's neutral. Ok, let's make another one. Suppose there's a drawing that could be considered bad: it might display suffering, it might display inappropriate intimacy, it might display something shameful, but it doesn't display hate towards anyone. In such case, a fictional depiction can be considered neutral, depending on circumstances. It might evoke positive or negative feelings in someone - both are fine. Arguably, what if it causes someone to make that fiction a reality? I think that's not a problem of depiction, rather a problem of the person who decides to act. I don't think that hiding bad thoughts is a solution to the existence of bad actions. So, my verdict would again be that it's neutral, while an action upon imaginary depiction would be bad. Ok, let's give another one... Suppose I stumble upon some awful imagery (someone getting hurt, some bad event, an immoral piece of media), and for some reason I want to watch more of it. Bad, neutral or good? That'd depend on my further action. Suppose I chose to boost such content, or pay its creators to incentivise making more of it. That is, obviously, a bad action. Suppose I watch existing media without interaction. That'd be considered neutral, because same thing would have happened if I didn't exist. But I do exist, so not making any action is bad. So overall it's on the edge between neutral and bad. Suppose despite liking it in the moment, I still take action to ensure that such horrible content doesn't get produced in the future. That would be considered a good action, but how good of an action that is would depend on effectiveness.
I do realize that those examples are biased towards imagination and virtual world of the internet. But they were the easiest to come up with. I think you get the idea of my value based approach to deciding what's good and what's bad. It works on simple cases like this quite well.
But it doesn't always work! Suppose I know a person is suffering. And they seem to need help, despite denying it. Would it be good or bad to help that person? It's hard to decide, since my help could cause more harm or it could actually help the person. And not helping would be neutral or bad, because that person continues to suffer. I think in cases like this you have to listen to your feelings. You can't always make the best decision, or know all the consequences of it.
After answering what's good and what's bad, let's move on further. What feels like "me"? What a true me look like in a perfect world, where he wouldn't have to hide, where he wouldn't have the burden of masks, traumas and other negative layers above.
I think that would be a warm person. Someone who would be open, trustworthy and caring. He might hug you at first sight. He gets emotional from small things, and can be hurt a lot easier than myself. He tries to find like-minded people to share what makes him feel good, and wants to share not only what, but also why it makes him happy. He wants others to be happier and help them discover their path. Imperfect, somewhat soft, but doesn't want to give up, persistently pushing forward.
Feels vulnerable, crimgy and just silly to type this, but I want to share a pice of me. I want to be open, because that's the only way you can find me.
I'm not my true self in reality, and never will be. But I can keep on trying to reach a point where I am. Reaching inner peace, removing masks, healing wounds and trying to keep at least some protection to stay strong. I want to preserve my core, while not hiding him.
I'll be writing more posts like this in the future. I want to share my thoughts on life with others to, hopefully, help someone discover themselves.
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